Mathematical equations

Size of spoon (p)

Size of noodles in noodle soup (n)

* p < n

therefore

* n-p is directly proportional to how much soup you have on your shirt

therefore

* the number of noodle soups there are in an office cafeteria is inversely proportional to the number of promotions there are at that office.

Top 10 reasons to live (stay) in Minnesota

1. Lakes. Remember? Lots of 'em.
   


2. We haven't had a professional sports championship since 1991. It's something to look forward to!
   


3. If you grew up in MN, you might not know it, but you actually like how bad the winters are. People with abusive parents end up with abusive spouses. It's science. Think about it.
   


4. You can't pull those effortless movie-chase-scene turns or donuts in your 4-cylinder Honda in January if you live in Phoenix or Texas.
   


5. We've got the best of it all. Music, movies, and politics: Bob Dylan and Prince; Josh Hartnett and Diablo Cody; Hubert Humphrey and Al Franken. The only state that can rival that is California (and probably others--let's be honest--none of those people actually still live here, right? Of course they didn't read this list before they moved).
   


6. There are only 62 people per square mile in MN, as opposed to Mexico City's 32,377 per square mile. Stretch those legs!
   


7. Twin cities. It means twice the fun. And twice the driving. But...
   


8. We have a light rail! It's so great. It runs from a big mall, to an airport, to downtown. Which is convenient for me cause I work over by St. Paul and I live over by Richfield.
   


9. We drink more than other places.
   


10. Since the winters inflict so much pain and anguish, the short summer is that much better!
    

Not gonna write you a love song

Listen, Minneapolis, i've had a great time. You've really helped me learn a lot about myself, you've shown me some great things, and I really love that twinkle in your eye when the sun rises from Dinkytown. But it's just not working for me. Sometimes, you're indifferent, a little harsh, and just downright cold. I mean, seriously, I spent all winter with you, and you would warm up to me some times, but you pretty much shut down when I tried to come out to you. And now it's April. I've put up with you for months, and now it's time to show a little love.

Don't get me wrong. I still want to see you from time to time. I want to stay friends. But I can't invest so much energy when you're just going to roll over and ignore my needs.

I mean, seriously, what the hell is wrong with you? It's I hurt inside when you're this mean. I can't bear to stand around when I could be basking in the warmth and love of a city down south.